it's not about what I want it's about what you feel comfortable talking with me about I'm not gonna say NOW YOU HAVE TO SHARE, OR ELSE! because I lowkey a little sick of feeling like I'm forcing people's hands but like why am I opening myself up to more hurt if it's not something the other person does in kind? that's why I stabbed myself in the first place hurt less than what was going on
if it helps at all I'm not any better at opening up to anyone else it's not just with you but you're right this isn't fair to you.
did you see what happened with my brother at the performance? the Dame made him drink her blood that was my fault I asked her to keep him from being hurt in her performances and I guess that's how she interpreted it but obviously he wasn't happy about it he ended up getting hurt more than he would have otherwise and it's all my fault
must've been too in my head about my own stuff, I missed that but look, sometimes you try to do what you think's best for others and it ends up backfiring I feel that
ok is it the feel good part that has you seeking it? or are you into the Dame? 'cause y'know. no judgement if you are but if it's the feels real good thing, then that's addiction and it's the whole you gotta wanna quit first thing
gonna be real, never thought she'd honor something like that I guess the question is: do you want to stop? or are you just aware that people would say it's bad and so you feel bad?
I don't know I feel awful about it and I'm so scared of what will happen if people find out but it's also kind of the only thing that makes me feel happy anymore even for a little while I'm sorry that's so pathetic
it's pathetic to want to be happy, even artificially? I don't think so are there better ways? sure, probably but like, if you only feel shame about telling people, how are you supposed to find alternatives? that's to say anyone who does shame you is an asshole, first off second off, if you wanna try something else, remember what I said about coming over for parfaits and dumb Sun Sign antics no one's gotta know why you're actually there and if it helps, great if it doesn't, can always try something else if that's what you wanna do 'cause that's the important part
[long moment of typing things blinking on the screen...]
I just don't want people to just think that they don't deserve or can't obtain happiness it's not easy sometimes fighting for it hurts people you don't wanna hurt but if it's happiness you're looking for, there's definitely other ways to get it
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
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do I just suck to talk to?
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I like talking to you I promise
I'm just not sure what you want me to say or do
sorry
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it's about what you feel comfortable talking with me about
I'm not gonna say NOW YOU HAVE TO SHARE, OR ELSE!
because I lowkey a little sick of feeling like I'm forcing people's hands
but like
why am I opening myself up to more hurt if it's not something the other person does in kind?
that's why I stabbed myself in the first place
hurt less than what was going on
Re: EXTREME LATE NIGHT Day 244
if it helps at all I'm not any better at opening up to anyone else
it's not just with you
but you're right this isn't fair to you.
did you see what happened with my brother at the performance?
the Dame made him drink her blood
that was my fault
I asked her to keep him from being hurt in her performances
and I guess that's how she interpreted it
but obviously he wasn't happy about it
he ended up getting hurt more than he would have otherwise
and it's all my fault
Re: EXTREME LATE NIGHT Day 244
but look,
sometimes you try to do what you think's best for others
and it ends up backfiring
I feel that
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yeah no
I'm not handling it well
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I'm glad you didn't manage it.
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just don't be me in that way
you're allowed to be miserable, y'know
shit sucks
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but i have sort of done something else that's bad
can you promise not to tell anyone if I tell you about it
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ah
that's gotta be a trip
I got bit once
was high the whole time during that Don't Turn Around performance.
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but to be clear I know it's bad and I need to stop
Re: EXTREME LATE NIGHT Day 244
is it the feel good part that has you seeking it?
or are you into the Dame?
'cause y'know. no judgement if you are
but if it's the feels real good thing, then that's addiction and it's the whole you gotta wanna quit first thing
Re: EXTREME LATE NIGHT Day 244
now it's
complicated
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I guess the question is: do you want to stop? or are you just aware that people would say it's bad and so you feel bad?
Re: EXTREME LATE NIGHT Day 244
I feel awful about it and I'm so scared of what will happen if people find out
but it's also kind of the only thing that makes me feel happy anymore even for a little while
I'm sorry that's so pathetic
Re: EXTREME LATE NIGHT Day 244
I don't think so
are there better ways? sure, probably
but like,
if you only feel shame about telling people, how are you supposed to find alternatives?
that's to say
anyone who does shame you is an asshole, first off
second off, if you wanna try something else, remember what I said about coming over for parfaits and dumb Sun Sign antics
no one's gotta know why you're actually there
and if it helps, great
if it doesn't, can always try something else
if that's what you wanna do
'cause that's the important part
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I just don't want people to just think that they don't deserve or can't obtain happiness
it's not easy
sometimes fighting for it hurts people you don't wanna hurt
but if it's happiness you're looking for, there's definitely other ways to get it
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I'll come visit
maybe not right away tomorrow
but soon
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